psychic seashells

the wedding!

2009-10-20T03:10:00.002-04:00

Sooo our wedding was last month, and it was amazing. I can't believe that I could love this person more everyday. I still get all choked up when i look at the pictures. it was really special. I'm also relieved its over so we can move on to the next phase of our lives, we really spent the good part of a year planning the event, and i'm ready to be a person with hobbies again! but gosh it was so great. one of my favorite parts was our first dance to Bruce Springsteen's Jersey Girl. and let me tell you it was every bit a middle school dance spectacle with the two of us with hardly any dance skills, but just holding each other giggling, and feeling euphoric. it was just beyond words. pix here:

http://jilljamieswedding.shutterfly.com/

xoxo

jill

oh the Catskills

2009-05-04T22:13:00.002-04:00

so Jamie and I had planned a fourday weekend off together a few months ago, the original plan was that we were going to visit asheville, NC. Then we decided we were far too exhausted by even the idea of driving 11 hours both way, so we went to the ole standby vacation spot of the catskills.

we took our dog. we stayed in a hotel. we reconnected. and we hiked around the beautiful lake minnewaska. it was really great. i finished reading a novel i'd been plugging away at for ummmm about a year. it was amazing to just be around so much GREEN. to walk through sticks and underbrush, to stand on mounds of moss. to lie beneath pine trees and just breath in the fresh mountain air. i cried a little on the drive home, well, while reading the end of my book, it was moving, but the whole trip was just a bit cathartic. it was thunderstorming and i felt sad to just watch the scenery change from enchanted forest to billboards then just concrete landscape. what an empty mess. i'm still just wondering what it will take to make this leap that i've desired for so long.

the other night i dreamt of myself as a pre-teen, wandering through the woods behind my family's farmhouse, sitting on familiar fallen trees, tracking hunter's pathways through our property. just this real everyday connection i had with the natural world. i miss that.

miss veronica

2009-04-11T15:35:00.001-04:00

Jamie and I got a dog, her name is Veronica. She is a 4 yr old mini pinscher. she's very timid, but a sweet girl. I'm so happy. I love her! Its a lot of work, but so worth it.

working through new nursing thoughts

2009-03-27T19:28:00.003-04:00

sooo, i guess i've become a bit of a job consumed person as of late. its funny, one of the most repeated tips that the senior nurses offer me while on the floor is to always ask for help if your workload becomes too much to bear, before you "feel like you're drowning." There is actually so much reference to drowning, and i think its quite an accurate, and shocking metaphor for the work that nurses do on this really fast paced floor. i mean, i've never had a job where the work was likened to such a severe panic as losing your life.

as a newbie, i often feel like i'm about to drown, like i have a little raft but its leaking air. There is an expectation to move rapidly through patient's rooms, which has taken a lot of the satisfaction that i could have from actually getting to know my patients, talking to their families, forming a relationship with them and employing a more holistic approach to their health. Thats just not possible with the amount of tasks that need to get done in any given hour. I feel like i'm storming into people's rooms, performing any number of procedures to them that are invasive, try to keep a smile on my face and a pleasant demeanor to relieve the anxiety or terror of the child and worried parents, and exit the room as quickly as i came in. its fucking hard. every time i have to help hold a small child down to get an iv placed, or get catheterized, the terror in their eyes it just breaks my heart. and not having the opportunity to sit with them or help comfort the family through a really rough hospitalization feels wrong to me. there's really nothing pleasant about them being in the hospital, and its hard to be a part of this scenario that will most likely be remembered as a really hard (if not outright traumatic) period of their life.

so there is this sort of numbing that happens to healthcare workers, to just cope, i see it happening in me too, and i'm grieving it. i have to detach myself enough to pick up and move to the next thing. and quickly. I think one thing i'm trying to learn is how it seems that most the other nurses came to this work because they "wanted to work with kids," which i admire, but i'm not sure how they are gleaning satisfaction from it, or where they are finding the positive connection. I'm wondering if I just have a more cynical view of "the power of" western medicine and healing that makes it hard for me to feel good about the whole slew of invasive procedures and inherent depersonalization within the great big beast of the hospital machine. In the bigger picture, its hard for me to feel that what i'm doing is helping them get better, since the results are not pleasant, immediate or apparant. I guess part of that is that a lot of the kids on our floor actually don't get better, they are chronically ill, alot of them stay for months on end in the hospital. So the medical care you provide just feels really disruptive to their lives as children, but on the other hand, that care is necessary for them to live, so its complicated. Well, so i see what i do as part of this form of care for chronically and acutely ill kids, but maybe i'm just meant to be a different type of healer. I know the "grass is always greener" but i'm just yearning for a more gentle and intimate setting to work with people. I fantasize that if i was a midwife, it wouldn't be like this, i can spend however long getting to know my clients, offering resources, support and guidance and all that warm fuzzy stuff that i'm really missing right now. I don't know. I'm at least going to stick it out for a year or so. The job market sucks. I'm feeling a little defeated and wondering how to cope. Today i feel like quitting and becoming a barista.

overnight shi(f)t

2009-02-19T02:55:00.002-05:00

so, this is my first week working night shift and it is just wreaking havoc on my body and mind. and spirit. and nerves. yikes!

i guess i'm to expect myself to so quickly adjust to working two weeks of 7a-7p then 2 weeks of 7p-7a. This will be my life. Tonight i'm off, but am home forcing myself to stay awake until 7am at least, then i'll sleep until late afternoon, wake up feeling confused, jittery and exhausted, then do the same thing tmrw night.

i'm trying to do things like, clean the bathroom, to keep myself awake, but i think i keep waking up Jamie (poor thing) who is a regular human being who has to get up in the morning for work.

i wish the supermarket was open at least so i could take care of life errands during the night. nothings open, nobody is up to talk to, its strange and lonely, this overnight business.

its funny b/c i think of both of my parents. my mom worked an overnight shift at a publishing company when i was young. my dad is a truck driver and delivers bread to schools and grocery stores and starts at like 2am. So its funny to feel so sorry for myself then realize that both my parents work(ed) nights. I think the thing that feels chaotic to me is this whole shifting back and forth from days to nights. I am a creature of habit, and sleep happens to be my most favorite habit. Oh well.

This whole orientation process seems to be a series of lessons in adaptability and humility. I am so overwhelmed, constantly asking questions, making mistakes, feeling perplexed, and having small victories that i quickly forget. I came home today and just had a big cry fest over it all. I can't wait to come out the other end of this transition. its consumed all of my energies. can i go to bed yet?

baby nurse in a shitstorm

2009-01-23T18:18:00.004-05:00

so today was my second day shadowing a nurse on the floor. She had a CRAZY day (both days) although she had *only* 3 patients (most adult med/surg floors you would have 5-6) the patients have complex needs. omg. kids glucose levels rapidly dropping while another kid is needing a med that hasn't been ordered by the doc, threw up her nasogastric tube, and it just went on and on. Plus one of the kids moms yelled at my nurse, and she burst into tears while preparing meds in the med room. I felt so bad and overwhelmed. I mean, i know there will be days like that, but i still don't know how to even work all the pumps, and many of these kids have lines running out of most major organs. SHIT! oh, and speaking of shit. there IS a lot of it. that is not a myth. I think its funny (or insulting) that the perception that the general public has about what "nurses do" is just constantly cleaning up poo or vomit, giving sexy sponge-baths to middle aged men, or being mere handmaidens to patriarchal doctors. oh please, dont even get me started! The work requires complex technical skills, medical knowledge, and mad interpersonal skills. Anyhoo, that said, there is a lot of shit and vomit on this floor. It is a GI floor, so you have to test many of the kids poo for blood (and weigh it, and describe its appearance in detail in the chart) and kids barf, alot. but oh well. Super STinky. i guess i'll just get used to that part of it, and it will make me less quesy. I wanted to work on a medical floor!

Also, they gave me a 2-way pager, so i get pages all day (like "you have a call-parked on 24567" like what the hell does that mean? what? who? where?) that I still don't really know how to answer to respond to. Long story short, its a pretty fast paced environment and its really just hit the ground running. I swear there are like 20 nurses that work on the floor too. I can't even begin to remember who i've met, what their names are, and all that. Geez!

From here on out, i work 3 12 hour shifts a week (7a-7p). I am tired! I can't wait to get paid! I feel dirty like i need a shower! wish me luck

mmmm. sleeping in and yummy bfast

2009-01-17T08:50:00.002-05:00

its funny how i slept until 7am this morning and that feels like "sleeping in." Well i've been getting up at 5am most of this week to be at the hospital by 7. So sheessh! schedule change is rough.

but now i'm eating one of my most favorite simple meals: toasted sunflower mastermacher bread (yknow, the kind that comes in a small square loaf, looks all weird with the 1970's labelling) but it is SOOOO GOOOD. it tastes a little bit sour, like sourdough, but is super dense, nutty and slightly chewy. its really something special when you toast it and smear earth balance margarine and nutritional yeast across the top. DEEELISH> yknow its really the simple things people. my saturday just got better. And i'm feeling a lot better, on the mood tip, since i've been back on a regular life schedule.

I just finished my first week on the job. Well, we have 2 full weeks of orientation, so most of the time was spent watching presentations, reading policies, and filling out paperwork. Its been a bit mind numbing. but the floor is awesome, the hospital is incredible. there is beautiful artwork, mobiles, mosaics everywhere. there is a family education center where families can go, get free tea coffee, use computers/fax machines, find books/resources about medical conditions, and they even have private rooms with beds where family members can spend the night. Its like the disneyworld/hilton hotel of children's hospitals. And it is SOOOO clean. i cant even tell you. its like you could eat a meal off the bathroom floor. Everywhere. Having done my clinical rotations at like, 4 other Philly hospitals, this place looks like heaven. really awesome. I'll be excited to actually start being a nurse. next week i have a couple of shadow days, then the following week i start taking my own patients, and I have a precepter who will spend every moment with me, teaching me, making sure i dont eff up. which is really great and reassuring. I'm super nervous. Working with sick kids is a huge responsibility, and i don't want to make any errors. So, thats my scoop on the job tip. Studying for my nursing boards (NCLEX) which i take Feb. 9th. Not really making much progress on that front... Also h elping to plan a baby shower for my sister Jess (who is due in April!) we are very excited. If anyone has any recommendations for where to make a registry (besides babiesrus) that has more eco friendly stuff, let me know~!

oh winter

2009-01-13T19:16:00.002-05:00

i think i'm having the winter blues. accelerated by having no school/no job, which one would think could be fabulous and fancy free, i have really been spending so much time in my jammies, in the dark house, surfing the internet, then having long periods of feeling sad and tearful (without apparant reason). i keep forcing myself to leave the house and socialize, but gosh, it feels like such a chore and all i want to do is sleep. Well, i started my new job yesterday, so i'm very much releived to have something to occupy my mind and time. It was really hard to go from having a lot of demands on my plate to having *zilch*. I like to be busy. dont get me wrong i like a good nap and hot bath as well. But these past few weeks have felt just ugh. Why does winter suck? I mean, if its gonna bring such psychological drudgery, couldn't it at least snow and be pretty and magical a few times already? its just been grey for weeks on end. I just needed to grump for a minute about it.

birthday blog

2009-01-10T10:33:00.002-05:00

so, its so great when your sweetie takes off of work to spend you birthday with you. Jamie made me pancakes. and two tiny ones that he wrote a 3 and a 2 in nutella. So cute! Although, I have to be honest, this is the first birthday that i've really felt not excited about. 32 at the moment reminds me of all the things i still want to accomplish, and that maybe i AM getting older, and bye bye twenties (for real) and hello to my changing body. I dunno, I was sad about it last night. But today i'm seeing the stream of emails, text messages, and (haha) facebook comments wishing me a happy bday, and that feels fun, and like, right! I should be happy. its my mofo bday!

we are having a rad masseur friend of ours come over later and she's giving us both massages. OH yea, i can hardly wait. Then maybe cuban restaurant for dinner. yum. Maybe 32 wont be so bad. maybe it will rock

happy new years goddess!

2009-01-01T11:28:00.006-05:00

Ixchel: the Mayan goddess of the moon. She is also the goddess of birthing, midwifery and healing.

I am inspired by her on this new years day. I am also looking at goddess sites for us to honeymoon at. Perhaps Isla Mujeres, one of the islands where Ixchel was worshipped.

guess what?!

2008-12-18T19:47:00.003-05:00

I officially graduated yesterday! Magna Cum Laude (who knew?)! what a surprise. Almost a real nurse. Just gotta pass the boards on Jan 9th. Hopefully, I can take them that soon. !

snugglin

2008-12-17T23:16:00.003-05:00

I love snugglin, if even briefly on the couch,
and i love the little lights, and red. the indoors feels cozy and nurturing.

a sweet gift

2008-12-17T23:10:00.004-05:00

I love other people's craftiness. My cousin rebecca loves to make infused vodka. And I love to taste test her infused vodkas. Anyhoo, she gave me this bottle of pineapple, cranberry, vanilla infused vodka. Yum! I thought i'd take a photo of it tonight, before Emily and I bust it open to make martinis. Deeeelish. So pretty, I almost didn't want to open it.

p.s.

2008-12-15T22:32:00.001-05:00

i want to learn how to do this with my hair. Planning a 1930's look for the wedding day. its fun!

at the baby shower. omg

2008-12-15T18:28:00.003-05:00

We didn't party quite as hard as we anticipated (ha ha). Although I was trying pretty hard with that mulled wine. This photo was right before Jamie just lied down completely on the floor. It was a long drive there.

There were many small children there. We had the opportunity to play with kids, watch them do silly things, watch them misbehave or what have you, and imagine our lives as parents. It was interesting. Sometimes I simultaneously want kids and really don't want kids. I mean, there's a sense of relief in walking away from it, and just being responsible for yourself. Numero uno. But on the other hand, they are amazing, and watching the kid/parent bond is really special. and i want to experience that!

My cousin is amazing, she's 8 months pregnant and was wearing these totally fierce black high high heels. You go mama. That won't be me. i'll be wearing a sweatsuit and birkenstocks, or some embarrassing getup. hee hee.

Also, there was like this crazy ice storm that had just passed when we got there. Woah. Today in Philly it was like 60 degrees. Tomorrow its going to be in the 30's. I'm definitely getting sick. *sigh*

in other news, today i rubbed two pennies together to buy a mini xmas/solstice tree. and its making me soo happy, glowing in the living room. can we tell i'm nesting?

albany

2008-12-13T10:40:00.002-05:00

today, jamie and i are going up to albany to my cousin Rebecca's house. We are celebrating the nearing birth of her first child. Fun! she has a name picked out (Leila Soraya) so pretty!

However, we did go party a little last night, and i'm feeling a bit pooped and hungover. oh well. Its the season of parties. I'm wondering if we should throw a solstice party... Last year we did, and a friend and I baked a bunch of challah. it was my first bread baking endeavor. i'd like to do it again. trying to create traditions and maintaining continuity is challenging.

did anyone see the moon last night? apparantly its the largest full moon we've had in 15 (?) years. it was striking. check it out tonight if you can.

slacker blogger

2008-12-10T17:33:00.002-05:00

its true. i've had so many things happening at once, i forgot to plug back into my online diary. so, in the past 2 weeks, i finished my thesis (whew). before this i did many interpretive gestures around the apartment, mostly for jamie's amusement (and concern), kind of metaphorically likening the completion of the thesis as the birth of a rather large baby. so, in between hours staring at the computer paralyzed by fear of dealing with it, dancing around the computer in silly fits of procrastination, and brief moments of productivity, i would squat on the floor and moan, and express how intense the sensation of birthing this thesis was. if anything, i was amused. i think jamie just couldn't wait for it all to be over, and for me to return to being a person who was not a) glued to the computer and stacks of books or b) creating bizarre coping mechanisms that were getting somewhat old.

I guess informing all of this is that i've had 3 months of intense, beautiful, inspiring and difficult experiences working with laboring women in the hospital. Its been present in my life and on my mind. Its been really awesome, and i loved helping women. I even really love postpartum. i can't even count how many times i've been in the bathroom with a woman, helping her with bleeding, with pads/ice packs, waterproofing an IV line so she could shower, or helping a baby breastfeed for the first time. really beautiful, and i feel super honored to be involved in these intimate moments. Its really a sacred time for mothers and their families, and being a part of it felt very satisfying, like i was involved in something larger than life. The part of it that was really hard, was sometimes (oftentimes) feeling the other nurses did not treat the women or the process with the respect, kindness, and reverance it deserved. I feared if i went into that field, i would perhaps become hardened and calloused, as many nurses were. Anyhoo, i really love the work. If anything, it makes me want to study to be a midwife more. Not work in the hospital. or maybe try to work in the hospital, and change things.

But i'm also drawn to primary care, perhaps getting my masters in family health, and working as a nurse practitioner in an outpatient clinic. We'll see. i got a job (finally) at the children's hospital in philly. So working with kids is awesome, i did a clinical rotation there last fall, and it was great. It will be great to round out my skills.

Now, all of a sudden i'm studying fast and hard for the nursing boards. i'm aiming to take them in 3 weeks. but its starting to feel like to much.

Hey, i thought i'd have some time to chill out. ya know, stare at the walls, paint my toenails. rent '80's movies from the blockbuster around the corner. eat hoagies and call friends i haven't talked to in far too long.

no way! more studying! well, i can't really complain. i feel like the universe is bestowing me with much to be thankful for. I'm broke as hell but i'm happy. Wedding planning has been great fun, and i feel more in love all the time. Jamie is so amazing, and has really had my back through this whole mess of nursing school. In so many ways, i could not have asked for a better partner. I want to sweep him away on a beautiful european vacation, where he can ride his little bicycle down the coast of spain or whatever. Perhaps! Feeling good. Thinking about y'all with the holidays and hoping you are well. xo

the rest of my week!

2008-10-22T15:45:00.002-04:00

So, tonight Jamie and I leave for D.C. I am going to this conference, which I'm pretty excited about. Its about healthcare justice and is for clinicians, there will be radical midwives, physicians and nurses who work towards immigrant rights and access to healthcare, some lgbt health work (though, no t, which is always discouraging), native american health. etc. I got a scholarship too for 2 nights at the conference hotel (schmancy hilton!) so Jamie and I are making a little lovecation out of it. Booyah!

He's excited to see his DC friends, some guys he grew up with. Peter is an animal rights lawyer, and his partner Doron owns and runs a vegan bakery in town. We haven't seen them in over a year, and they're really adorable.

In other news, I've been wedding planning. We've got the date narrowed down to next September, location Boulder Colorado. It only seems appropriate. The shits expensive though. and trying to keep it small is challenging. yikes. Anyhoo, i'm on the market for a dress that has many layers of tulle that spring out in a tutu fashion and is some shade of bright pink. with maybe some peices of the natural world woven into the fabric. Where can I find me such a dress? I need a postmodern seamstress perhaps....

dreams

2008-10-16T18:01:00.002-04:00

I had a dream last night, or more accurately, early this morning. In my dream I was traveling through this town of open doors and empty houses. I went inside one house after another, never seeing anyone. then i went into this house that looked a bit like the suburban homes of the playmates i had as a youngster. There was an older woman there that I understood to be a spirit (ghost). She led me to a wall that had encased within it 5 brooms. They all had handles made from tree branches, that were long and knobby, but smoothed and lacquered. The bristles at the base were made of long lavender stems with purple lavender flowers at the tips. They were beautiful and fragrant, and I certainly didn't understand the purpose of the gift. She instructed me to take one, make it mine and enchant it. So i climbed atop of it, and attempted to make it fly. I'm not sure if i actually did, but i spent a long time 'enchanting' it. The whole experience felt really powerful. It was the type of dream that won't let you wake, and when you do you feel like you went to another planet. wait, where am i? where is my magic lavender broom? Perhaps it is halloween creeping up on my unconscious mind.

fun on the farm!

2008-10-12T21:17:00.002-04:00

Michael, Amy, Emily, Ashley and Linda, on our way into the corn maze
the corn maze was very short in stature. but 6 acres deep!
We came out VICTORIOUS! Much Cider was drank! Many donuts consumed!
and Ashley and I turned out to be pretty darn cute as apples.

tomorrow

2008-10-11T22:12:00.002-04:00

I go apple picking here! I normally have 12 hour clinical on Sundays. but not tomorrow. We are on "fall break." whoever heard of such a thing? Soo... i have off until wednesday. How spoiled am I? anyhoo. I plan on navigating a maze of corn stalks and plucking beautiful low spray apples from their trees. with friends. How fun!

happy midwifery week!

2008-10-11T18:53:00.001-04:00

some celebrities who have given birth with midwives:

1. Pamela Anderson (home birth)

2. Ricki Lake (home birth)

3. Cindy Crawford (home birth)

4. Demi Moore (home birth)

5. Kelly Preston (John Travolta's wife)

6. Kate Winslet

7. Cate Blanchett

8. Lucy Lawless (Xena! home birth)

9. Cybill Sheperd

10. Meryl Streep (home birth)

11. Lisa Bonet (home birth)

12. Carole King (home birth)

the birth survey.

2008-10-07T22:59:00.002-04:00

"because its easier to get consumer satisfaction information about a camera than about maternity care services..."

If you've given birth in the past 3 yrs, take the birth survey to provide feedback on your providers, birth centers, hospitals, etc. CIMS (Coalition for Improving Maternity Services) is a really rad organization working towards helping people make more informed healthcare choices. Spread the word!~

the engagement party

2008-10-07T11:58:00.002-04:00

Nora made a beautiful cake with a raspberry heart

my momma made a champagne toast and cried. it was sweet
momma and her boyfriend, Mo
Jamie being fed cake by his boyfriend Chris
West philly represent. and Julie Davids passed through!

herbs in my life

2008-09-29T21:51:00.002-04:00

I went to the Morris Arboretum with my Complementary & Alternative Medicines class to study medicinal plants. Their herb garden was so beautiful. I'm really getting interested in plant medicine. We have a class project to either write a research paper about a CAM modality, or interview and observe the practice of a CAM practitioner. Of course I chose the latter of the two. Who wants to write a research paper when you can witness firsthand and pick somebody's brain about their practice? Fun! So, my interviewee is the herbalist who runs this apothecary in Chestnut Hill. I'm going there this friday, and i'm getting my own consultation. Hopefully I will have some customized herb recommendations. Lately i've been thinking about taking ginseng, to get some energy boost. I'm also considering some St. John's Wort in anticipation of the winter blues (is this bad that I'm anticipating this?) Anyhow, I've also been taking melatonin to help me sleep, and I have to say it works really well. and I've experienced no side effects. It puts me out like a light. Amazing!

where's dessert already?!

2008-09-29T19:27:00.003-04:00

nothing stinks more than having someone tell you they're bringing you dessert. then wait a few hours dreaming about what delicious sweet will arrive at your study haven, then they call to say they will not even coming over! NO Sweet Treats that were promised! BOGUS! so awful! The cruelest of tricks!

Now I must search myself, in this large city, for warm rice pudding with raisins, chocolate fudge torte, cinnamon rolls with cream cheese icing. All I can think of is the most decadent treats..... I, perhaps, am a bit spoiled. Nonetheless, treats I shall have! If it means settling for the lonely freezerburned fudge pop at the back of the freezer, so be it.

mmm. cookie time

2008-09-22T19:40:00.002-04:00

at this very moment, i am baking cookies. butterless, flourless, eggless cookies that are full of melty dark chocolate chips. nothing could feel more right at this moment. its from my new favorite food blog: 101 Cookbooks. the other day i roasted tomatoes, which i had never done before, but it was so very easy, and the product, truly tasty. They got all smoky and sweet tasting, and i ate them with quinoa and lentils. Deelish! The crisp autumn weather has renewed my passion for cooking and more importantly, EATING! I love to eat, especially when I'm under huge amounts of stress. Lets prepare to hibernate! ok. maybe not yet. Next friday, a friend is throwing Jamie and I an engagement party. The emerging theme seems to be champagne divas and prince karaoke. Booyah! Everyone's invited!

more of the clinical

2008-09-21T21:43:00.004-04:00

postpartum really starts to feel like waitressing. i never thought i'd hear so much grumping about and tantrum throwing from grown women. harassing the nurses. and the nurses coming back to the nurses station and quietly ridicule the women. all around, really unbecoming for all parties.

why can't postpartum be this really amazing, feminist, womyn loving space of praise for the sacred feminine? why can't we get on that groovy lady love train?

i am reminded of how deeply misogyny is ingrained in women. and what negative feelings women have toward other women, that can sometimes come through in subtle ways, but overall creates this environment of antagonism. Its hard, because I'm drawn to working with women, but put into it like this, i see myself start to play into this somewhat dysfunctional dance. its a longer story, i guess. Maybe i'm just seeing the glass half empty right now. But today, I considered doing med/surg instead. No, who am I kidding. I'm still looking for the magic. Magic swoop down and claim me! Make it easy!

thinking about love

2008-09-19T19:17:00.003-04:00

"Like so much else, people have also misunderstood the place of love in life, they have made it into play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure was more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, just because it is the extreme happiness, can be nothing else but work..." -Rainer Maria Rilke

the front of my house

2008-09-17T17:35:00.002-04:00

i adore our sunflowers. they make me think of jamie's love for kansas, and the fields of sunflowers we would pass, driving through the plains. everytime i approach the house they make me smile. and bumble bees and small birds flock to them, hang from their big bright faces. loving them as well.

early autumn. this morning was chilly. makes me wish I could grow my hair into curly locks and run through pumpkin patches!

i have never

2008-09-14T21:25:00.002-04:00

before in my life inspected so many vaginas and anuses. i palpate many a fundus. i check many a lochia. apply many icepacks to swollen labia. hello hospital birth. hello awkward cotton gowns that no one loves. hello newly latching babies to breasts. all these things filled my day. and i'm loving/hating every second of it.

nora & her childhood dog, sophie. cute!

2008-09-13T18:08:00.005-04:00

slow cooking and more..

2008-09-11T19:29:00.003-04:00

so, instead of researching for my thesis. oh my god. i went to KMART today and bought a slow cooker. I feel like I've hit an all time domestic high. but actually, i really want to start making my own hand salves (and secretly plot to make this my homemade xmas gifts this year-- the kind that i really like but my family is ewwwed by). it all started with the Boulder Farmers Market. i bought this beautiful, strikingly beautiful bag of dried calendula flowers from an older hippy farmer lady. I was thrilled by their bright orange color. However, I had no idea what to do with them. Upon inquiry, i discovered that calendula has skin healing properties, and is often used in salves. all you have to do is infuse them in olive oil. you can do it in a jar in sunlight for about a week, but apparently that yield a lot of microorganisms that can make yr salve go rancid quicker. Another online tip I found was to infuse by slow cooker. Hence my trip to KMART, in lieu of aforementioned pressing academic work. There were other justifications for such a purchase: I'm really excited to make myself cooked grain porridge overnight, y'know, with raisins, oats, flax, etc. I dont have the patience and time in the morning to cook the shit . but i love the idea of putting it in the night before and letting it slowly stew itself to creamy, delicious, nutritious perfection. i just hope the paranoia of catching the house on fire doesn't keep me up at night. If anyone has slow cooker recipes, hit me up!

i want a boxer! oh my heart!

2008-09-10T22:32:00.000-04:00

Orgasmic Birth!

2008-09-05T22:39:00.002-04:00

I just went the the screening of Orgasmic Birth and it was, phenomenal! I volunteered and help set-up and sell tix, and we sold out in 15 minutes! There was a massive crowd of angry mamas outside demanding to see it, so we had to have a second screening after the first. Amazing! The film was directed by my Doula instructor Debra, who is just this phenomenal woman. Mother of 6, Doula of 26 years or something absurd, and she teaches doulas internationally. Just a really magnetic and inspiring lady. Anyhow, I'm all jazzed now to do my senior clinical in women's health and help people have amazing birth experiences. My oxytocin levels are high and I've got moaning ladies and babies on the brain. How exciting! Also, if you haven't seen Ricki Lakes Business of Being Born, you need to netflix that shit, its really eye opening. Its so exciting to be having all these movies coming out, really opening the dialogue of how important it is for women to take back their healthcare and informing them on their rights and decisions in maternity care. So great! I'm so jazzed about it.

we're engaged, folks!

2008-09-02T19:47:00.002-04:00

It happened on the side of a mountain in Boulder. we're in love.

Boulder, CO. here we come!!!

2008-08-19T21:43:00.002-04:00

Jamie & I leave at 8 am. this will be our view driving from Denver into Boulder. Booyah! so excited! Be back in a week. until then, imagine me making sweet mountain magic ;-)

my silly siblings

2008-08-19T13:36:00.002-04:00

jess & greg (aka bubby) at long beach island. they're great. since they've returned from california (santa cruz and santa barbara, respectfully) my brother always wears his sunglasses at night. and now plays a harmonica. jessica is crafting homemade jewelry with wire, crystal and found objects such as driftwood and fools gold. Really interesting, pretty pieces. They bought an inflatable raft and were riding the ocean waves together. They're too great!

salsa verde, people!

2008-08-19T11:12:00.002-04:00

so, i bought a box of tomatillos from the jersey girl farmer on saturday, and she so kindly supplied me with this recipe for salsa verde. How is it that I never touched a tomatillo before? what a beautiful fruity vegetable! this salsa turned out amazing (if i might say so myself) just a little bit spicy, smoky and sweet. so yummy.

Salsa Verde

1 1/2 lb tomatillos

1/2 C chopped white onion

1/2 C cilantro leaves

1 T fresh lime juice

1/4 tsp sugar

2 jalapeno peppers, stemmed, seeded & chopped

salt to taste

1. Remove papery husks from tomatillos and rinse well. Cut in half and place cut side down on a foil-lined baking sheet. Place under broiler for about 5-7 minutes to lightly blacken skin.

2. Place tomatillos & all the other ingredients into blender or food processor and pulse until all ingredients are finely chopped and mixed. Season to taste with salt. Cool in refrigerator.

the old injury

2008-08-17T09:52:00.002-04:00

so, i was in a car crash last summer. and i really hurt my neck. its been feeling a lot better for awhile (after thousands of $ in chiropractor bills, etc) and felt like i really got my functional body back.

then i don't know what happened, the injury has been re-triggered and its like I'm back at square one. Oh, the mystery of soft tissue injury. The pain is extreme when i try to turn my head to either side. Yet i'm kinda in denial b/c i'm still doing all my daily activities. Actually I cried last night it hurt so bad & b/c i was so angry about it. I'm just really fed up that it won't heal and be done with. Anyhoo. i'm icing it. taking advil. doing the reiki. about to ben gay it. whatever!

I'm supposed to go down the shore today, to spend time with the fam in Ship Bottom nJ. My little sister wants to go sea kayaking together. This was actually one of my summer goals, to go kayaking. and i'm poo pooing everything that i can't . well, i am going to go though. I have a self pitying plan to lie on the rental couch, fuss and grit my teeth & cry to my momma. If there is some sort of life lesson i'm supposed to be learning from this nonsensical long ass healing (not-healing) process, i wish it would just present itself in a more straightforward fashion and lets be done with it. Universe, this is bullshit!

sunflowers! summertime!

2008-08-16T13:40:00.004-04:00

my boyfriend's boyfriend

2008-08-16T13:26:00.006-04:00

Woody & Jamie. Bff. they showed up for our double dinner date last night in matching shirts. obviously the cutest mistake EVER.

what i ate for lunch

2008-08-15T12:39:00.001-04:00

i cannot stop eating tomatoes. today was a toasted piece of oatmeal bread, slather vegenaise, layer the fresh basil then the big fat tomato slices with salt and pepper! my diet is hardly varied at this point in the summer. its all tomato all the TIME!

i can't grow them to save my life (i've given up folks. next year its just gotta be something else) but eat them... I shall! Clark Park Farmers market, here i come. tomorrow morning. to buy every single tomato!!!!

and speaking of environmental justice

2008-08-12T21:33:00.000-04:00

i was looking up superfund sites in my area... and i guess it is no surprise that Philly ranks as one of the most polluted cities in the us.

the above site will even show you the name, address (and even phone numbers...if you'd like to harass) the industries in your neighborhood, and exactly which substances they are emitting and at what levels. amazing. My inner geek activist public health nurse is pissed off and drooling over it.

there are maps too. and a few places down the street from me as well.

I really like this scorecard site, that tells you how your city/state ranks in all kinds of pollution, what type of substances and what levels they are being emitted at, and what health concerns there are (y'know, cancer, birth defects, respiratory disease)

okay. thats my break from studying. i guess i really do like this information in a sick, angry way.

things i want to say

2008-08-12T16:06:00.000-04:00

1. yesterday emerged an obsession with eco-resorts. i've been rampantly researching and imagining myself in a treehouse in the west indies, or upscale camping in the virgin isles. i get on these research kicks. if its not puppy searching, its ecotourism. is this awful? i should be studying for my final tomorrow

2. i miss jamie's family. its been a year now, since we last visited wichita. his aunt sends us a letter about once a month. its always meandering with light hearted gossip throughout. i think she gets lonely. anyhoo. they have two small dogs, and when we visit, we'll take the dogs on walks around the trailer park. really, every thought leads back to dogs today.

3. i'm going with a friend to look for a new apartment for her tonight. well, soon. in like 15 minutes. i am getting some giddy vicarious pleasure through this.

oh okay so i'm going!

late afternoon at my place

2008-08-11T22:21:00.000-04:00

my sunroom garden. morning glories that bloom and shrivel daily. heliochrysum in the foreground, that apparantly has alot of medicinal qualities, that alas, i couldn't keep alive for long. sweet potato vine is my new favorite. pale green!

jasmine that flowers sprinkle the livingroom with sweetness & jade (one of hex's old stoic plants)

the mermaid room

Miss Kansas. animal guide extraordinaire.